Any type of relationship, whether it is between family members,
people we work with, friends, or customers we serve, takes a lot of work
to maintain and build upon. And much of the cement that improves our
relationships is developing trust, compassion, and acceptance of the
other. As well, differences must be taken into account – no two people
are alike or have the same interests, and while you will naturally seek
commonalities to share, accommodating both differences and
compatibilities is essential for long-lasting connection.
1. Know yourself.
Long stated by many people, this simple
adage is essential for good relationship building. If you don't know
your own needs, wants, preferences, and limits, you risk using
relationships as a source of your own validation, which can easily lead
to co-dependency,
clingy behavior, aggressive possessiveness, manipulation, or other
unhealthy reasons for wanting to be with others. Knowing yourself
enables you to be a creative,
uplifting force rather than a destructive, Debbie Downer one, and you
will find yourself able to revel in other's successes, achievements, and
strengths rather than resenting them. We are always attracted to people
who make us feel good about ourselves and ultimately, this is the
number one skill in improving our relationships with others.
2. Know the other person.
It isn't easy learning all you
can about a wide range of people but it makes so much of a difference
that it is definitely worth it; even people who cross our paths once in
life can touch us deeply just by being interested in us as a person. For
example, think of the salesperson who engages you in a conversation
about your life rather than acting like they couldn't care less whether
you were there or not and only going on about the product. A successful
sale is often brought about simply because the salesperson acknowledges
that they're in a relationship with the customer as a human being, not
as a consumer. Take time to build rapport, no matter how brief a
connection with another person, and you will be greatly impressed by how
much easier your interactions with others become.
-
Ask simple questions
about big things. Get to know other people's values and beliefs by
asking them. For those people you're intimately connected with, what do
you know about their views on the world, other people, laws, sin,
marriage, faith, spiritual fulfillment, etc.?
- Share your views and values too. However, be prepared to be challenged by what others think and believe without
being negative, confrontational, or hating in response. You don't have
to give up what you believe in but you may just learn something by truly
being open to learning what others think.
- Feel comfortable in asking questions about other people's values;
many people love the opportunity to open up some more. However, don't
probe or twist their responses and be particularly caring about those
people who are still working out their values, who seem confused, or who
simply find this sort of conversation overwhelming. Not everyone feels
comfortable opening up about values but most people do appreciate
compassionate guidance.
3. Avoid pinning your worth on being part of a couple or even a family.
At times, many of us come across as needy precisely because we feel
we're not whole unless we're part of a couple. Being single is not
always a choice but it is important to make the most of it when we are
in this situation and to continue to reach out to others as a friend and
as a fellow human being rather than constantly seeming needy and lost.
Learn to spend time with yourself in positive ways, seeing being alone
as healthy rather than lonely, and as simply another spectrum of your
complete self.
- For those who come from broken-down family situations, there can be a
deep yearning to recreate a family that "works". There is nothing wrong
with this desire provided you do not let it cause you to abandon
enjoying the life you have until that is achieved; do not put your
life's fulfillment on hold because of a contingency you haven't yet met
(and remember that the idea of what "works" is very abstract). In
addition, continue to be part of the lives of those family members whom
you still relate to and care about from your broken family. They are
still your family, and they can be a source of strength
and grounding. For those whose former family situation was so bad that
they cannot return to any family members for support or love, find other
people in whom you can rely upon for love and support, such as good
friends, extended family members, or people who have meant a great deal
to you through life. We're all one human family after all.
4. Remember that the best relationships are based on living, loving, and sharing:
- Living means letting others live as they choose insofar as that doesn't infringe the dignity
of others around them; don't try to change people or direct their
life's choices - while there is room for guidance, don't force your
preferences onto others. It also means actively enjoying being with
other people by being present for them and truly listening to them. Too
many times we allow ourselves to be deflected from the moment of being
with someone to answer a phone or to let our minds wander over other
matters than concentrating on the person before us. Cultivate being present as the best gift you can ever give to another human being.
-
Loving means
giving of one's love for others wholly without conditions. This is
probably one of the hardest things to do for most relationships because
sometimes our sense of care for another person loses perspective in our
sense of responsibility or feelings of worry for another person and we
seek to place conditions on our love as a way of shaping the outcomes we
hope to see for them. Try very hard to get beyond that temptation and
simply love people for who they are. If you see warts, keep scraping
until you find the gem underneath.
- Sharing creates harmony
in a relationship. Harmony and balance are a part of a good
relationship structure. Remember that relationships are not about you:
they are about the other.
5. Grasp the other person's perspective.
Another important relationship improvement technique is wearing the
other person's moccasins. It is impossible to truly know another
person's motivations, reasons, and actions until we look with care and listen
with an open heart. It is easy to dismiss a person because they have
done or said things we're not in agreement with or because we feel hurt
on a superficial level and prefer to lick our own wounds instead of
looking at the real motivations underlying their intent. Is it possible
that your own reactions are causing another person to react to you in a
way that makes things harder between you? For example, if you keep
pushing someone who is a reluctant talker to expose their feelings about
you, and they end up saying even less, consider that you having been so
pushy may be the cause of the other person clamming up totally. Or, if
this person did finally open up but you jumped down their throat with
your annoyance or anger
at the things they've said, you may simply have confirmed for them that
keeping quiet is the best option around you. Instead, try the following
whenever you are in a relationship situation where you feel
confrontation, unease, or misunderstandings arising between the two of
you:
- Stop talking yourself and simply listen.
- Take a moment to really digest what the other person has said.
- Repeat your understanding of what the other person has said back to them (the gist, not verbatim).
- Keep summarizing what the other person has said until they agree you've nailed it.
- Then start seeking a compromise rather than bombarding them with what you think they "don't get" about your side of the story.
6. Be ready to face difficulties and problems within your relationships as they come up.
Letting problems in a relationship fester is a recipe for fueling
misunderstanding and anger, which can ultimately lead to a rupture in
your relationship. Talk to one another openly about feelings, issues you
have, and concerns about things you've heard or being told. Avoid
prejudging by gossip
but do seek to clear the air when someone you interact with seems to
have said or done something that reverberates negatively on you.
- When discussing things openly, there is no need to confess all your
sins and give them your whole life story. Be circumspect about what you
say and get to the point. Making up sob stories to have others feel
sorry for you wears thin very quickly.
7. Be willing to take full responsibility for your own words and actions if you want your relationships to work.
After childhood, you are expected to be responsible for what you say
and do; unfortunately, there are many adults unable to grasp this simple
notion and who feel safer, for one reason or another, in placing blame
for their own inadequacies and actions onto others. After a time, this
causes relationships to falter because nobody wants to be at the
receiving end of being blamed for things all the time, and it is both
boring and exhausting to be around someone who constantly blames others
but never takes personal responsibility. One very fast way to improve
many relationships is to remove blame from the equation, to accept
responsibility where it's due, and to find solutions instead of
complaining.
8. Grow together.
Expecting
someone to remain the same person they were 5, 10, or 20 years ago is
both unrealistic and unfair. Do you want to be remembered as the same
person you were 20 years ago, or have you grown and changed in that
time? Good relationships make space for growth
and both parties accept this growth in each other. In fact, not only
allow this space but nurture it; help the person to become more and more
the person they feel best as, and help them to grow their strengths and
rely upon those. Bringing out the best in others is one of the greatest
experiences of being part of relationships, whether it's family,
lovers, students, staff, co-workers, friends, customers, whoever!
- Remember, that as each of you grow, the changes don't necessarily
mean the end of a relationship; instead, it's just a different type of
relationship. If you can accept the fact that your relationship status
has changed, it may be the beginning of something completely special in a
new way. Naturally though, some growth means that you grow apart and
things aren't compatible anymore. That's normal too but just be sure you
really are unable to reach acceptance before finally cutting ties.
9. Nurture your relationships.
Any living being and any living relationship needs nurturing
to flourish; left alone, left untended, left uncared for, and the
survival rate is not good. This means setting aside time, however brief,
to spend with this person. In intimate relationships, the time needed
together will be far greater than the time for a boss with an employee
or a retailer with a customer, but in every single case, the time spent
must be dedicated, focused, and of quality, in order to nurture the
relationship. Give your full attention, show that you care and that
you're interested, and be mentally and emotionally available when you
spend time with another.
- If someone lives far away from you, send them an email now and then,
or call them up. Arrange to meet up occasionally, or if that's
impossible, try a video link chat.
All our amazing technology makes it possible to seem like you're in the
room with another person halfway across the world, so make the most of
it!
10. Believe, trust, and assume good faith.
Believing in people and trusting them is not always easy. Certainly,
there are people who will abuse your trust and won't live up to your
belief in them. However, it is always far better to assume that others
will do the right thing and that they will seek to live up to your
belief in them than to view the world through fearful or angry lenses.
By all means use your wits and common sense about what doesn't feel
right when interacting with other people – you don't want to end up
physically harmed or emotionally abused – but try to be a source of encouragement
and enlightenment for other people in your life by giving them an
indication that you do believe and trust in them above all. It is far
harder for people to break trust and to let another person down when
they are fully aware of that trust and belief and that to break it they
must make active choices that bring about harm. In many situations where
coercion is absent, assuming good faith about a fellow human being will
bring you the reward of a much improved relationship, and could even
result in a lifelong commitment to one another as friends or trusted
partners.
- Stand behind those you trust. Show others that you support them and believe in them too.
- People are more complex than we often give them credit for. In many
cases this is because it's easier in our time-poor lives to assume
things in black and white so that we can get on with our lives. However,
this often does a disservice to another human being because we assume
things that are often wrong or mistaken and in doing so, we simplify
them to their discredit. Instead, seek to understand more and in doing
so, it's likely you'll learn more about yourself too.
Tips:
Don't worry if things seem to be going a bit slow - relax. The best relationships are those that burn slow - like a candle.
Relationships are iterative. This means that you're: knowing,
understanding, believing, and trusting one another simultaneously and
repeatedly.
If your partner, friend, or other person you're relating with is
bummed about something, don't try to tell them what they could have done
to make it better. It's too late for that. They have come to you for
support. Hindsight is 20-20, they probably already know what they should
have done differently. Just say "That really sucks" or "I'm sorry that
happened to you" etc. and be there for them, or at least be
understanding without criticism. Nothing is worse than going to another
person for comfort on a bad day and hearing what you "should've" or
"could've" done.
Relationships are give and take but both the give and the take must be evenly balanced to ensure a healthy outcome.
